Shame is the Fear that We're Not Good Enough

I receive SNAP benefits. Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) - formerly known as Food Stamps. This admission is tough for me, and this blog is late because of that. I am ashamed that I receive assistance. But if my last few days have taught me anything - it’s that our stories are powerful. So here I am taking another step to release the shame that I am no longer willing to give life to.

I left for Washington D.C. on May 23rd, 2023 as an Advocacy Volunteer with the American Heart Association. The Farm Bill is the primary funding source for SNAP benefits and it is up for reauthorization. There are some legislators working to decrease the amount of people eligible for SNAP benefits by increasing the number of people subjected to work requirements and time limits. During my trip, I (along with so many other courageous volunteers) bared our hearts and shared our personal stories. Here’s mine:

In December of 2021 my younger son (then five years old) was found unresponsive on his school playground. When they found him, he had been face down for ten minutes. When the school nurse rolled him over she stated he wasn’t breathing and couldn’t find a pulse. She performed CPR and thankfully he responded. At the hospital, doctors stated it appeared to be a one time thing and we shouldn’t expect it to happen again - and for a few weeks it didn’t. Then it came back with a vengeance. He was passing out multiple times a day. Some days he was passed out at school longer than he was awake. My son was eventually diagnosed with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES). What this means is the way that some people stress clean or stress eat, my child stress “seizures.” And while there is no damage to his brain because of the episode itself, he is passing out and hitting his head as he falls. PNES episodes are also exhausting and have been likened to child birth.

I was called out of work almost daily for months to rush him to the doctor, take him to scheduled appointments, or to have meetings at the school. I could not do it any longer. I was not able to effectively serve my clients at work and I was not effectively helping my son. He was showing me he needed me and I could not ignore that any longer. So in March of 2022 I resigned from my position as an Economic Assistance Benefits Specialist with the Department of Social Services in exchange for a part-time role. That’s right folks, I went from giving benefits to getting benefits.

It is because of SNAP and Medicaid benefits that my family has the stability and support to be able to focus on caring for my younger son’s health.

After transitioning to part-time work, my older son was diagnosed with high cholesterol. He’s 12. In order to combat this, the doctor has prescribed increased activity and healthy, whole foods. Without SNAP, that would be out of reach.

Until food access and food security is met, it is impossible to think about protecting your health, getting into or maintaining a home, or increasing education or employment status.

Food comes first.

It is not lost on me that my story is laced with privilege. I am able to read and understand the application. I understand the benefit process and the verifications needed to determine eligibility. I am comfortable with the staff who work at the office and see myself reflected in them. I also have a college education and substantial work experience. On paper, I should be full time. In reality, that was not an option for my family.

The time that SNAP has afforded me to get my childrens’ health in check and to look for work that will truly allow me to elevate our socioeconomic status increases our resiliency as a family. Strong SNAP, Medicaid, and TANF benefits are non-negotiables for strong families and strong communities.

And yet, even though these benefits are here to elevate and empower our people, there is a negative stigma surrounding benefits. I am not unique in the shame I carry. In my experience both professionally and personally, NO ONE wants to be on SNAP. The two primary emotions I encountered as a benefits specialist and as a recipient myself is fear and shame. We are scared to lose our benefits and we are ashamed for needing them in the first place.

I am reminded of the words of Brené Brown, "Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough."

And with this I release my secrecy and I release my shame.

I am on SNAP benefits. I am beyond thankful for them. And I am good enough.

Until next time loves,

Sarah