That body babyyyyy

July 2014

March 2023

Yep, that's ya girl up there, scantily clad across the years. I'd ask if you can spot the differences but it might be easier if I instead ask you to count the similarities. Actually, I've got a better question for you. Only one of these women love themselves, which one do you think it is? If these were your photos, which would you be most proud of?

The photo on the left is me in my physical prime, in all of my dehydrated and hangry glory at my first (and only) bodybuilding competition. I won my pro-card at that competition. And DAMN if that view ain't easy on the eyes.

The photo on the right is me last month, in all of my "I need a photo for this blog post" and "are they gonna be able to handle these curves?" glory. And DAMN, if that body don't have you thanking Jesus for the privilege.

Let's start with the first photo. During this time in my life the gym was my priority. I would spend 2.5 hours at the gym every night, my 3 year old son in tow, because I couldn't bare to miss a workout. I was insecure. To me, my abs were not defined, my quads were not strong enough, and my chest was flat. All I could see was the gap between where I was and where I wanted to be, and not the beauty of how hard I had already worked and how far I had already come.

In 2016 I was pregnant with my 2nd son. I had morning sickness (what a joke, we all know it's actually all day sickness) and traded in fitness classes for the comfort of my bed. It was during these evenings that I realized how much time I was missing with my then 4 year old son by spending all of our evenings at the gym. I didn't know it then, but looking back I can identify this moment as when my priorities started to shift - I wanted to spend more time with my family.

After my 2nd son was born I gained quite a bit of weight. I didn't enjoy leaving the house or going out with friends because 1.) none of my clothes fit and 2.) I was the heaviest I had ever been. I was so worried what people would think about me now that I wasn't a bikini competitor. I was mortified by the additional weight I carried.

Now this is the most ridiculous thing to change someones outlook on life but it is what it is. I was watching TV and this father was having a conversation with his son about how to find a wife. I literally can't remember anything else about this show. I don't know if this was a movie or a TV series, I don't know who the actors were, I don't even know the damn year. But the father was telling the son how looks come and go and come again, but the person on the inside is who will always be there. Cliche, I'm aware. But here is how it resonated with me:

A year or two after my second son was born I began working out with a friend. One day while we were at the gym he came out of left field and said "you've let yourself go." This is one of those formative memories for me that feels like it changed the path my life was on. His comment really hurt me. I was livid. All I could think was "I am here hustling, what do you mean I've let myself go? I haven't laid down and taken a break in years. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I LET MYSELF GO?!"

There is nothing more beautiful than the natural cycle of life. As life goes on, we HAVE to prioritize different things at different times. At one point in my life, I had to prioritize the gym. At other times, I've had to prioritize my mental health, my education, my joy, my children's well-being, my relationships. Our bodies tell a story. And our bodies will, and should, fluctuate depending on what we are prioritizing. If I had continued to prioritize only how I looked physically, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be doing body butter, I wouldn't be writing this blog, I wouldn't love myself. I had to step away from focusing on aesthetics to focus on parenting, building a business, setting boundaries, finishing school. Our lives require us to prioritize different things at different times, and if you can't pivot, you're not doing okay. I would not like who I was if I had not adjusted my priorities.

My friend's comment was based solely off that damn societal standard of what is aesthetically pleasing. When you gain weight you no longer meet that accepted standard of what's fine and what's sexy; you've let yourself go. I was mad at him for a minute because who was he to say I let myself go? He had no idea the journey I was on. I switched up my priorities because my future depended on it, my mental safety depended on it, my body depended on it. But I promise you this, I am way sexier today, then I was when he was referring to. Because nothing is more attractive to me than this journey I'm on, and that's growth. And growth is sexy y'all. So I'm going to say this louder, if you see me tomorrow, you're seeing me sexier.

However, if you can't get past me not being thin or muscular, I can't be mad at you. It took me YEARS to realize this. I can't be mad at my friend. The statement he made wasn't his reflection of me, instead it was his projection of the standard he holds himself to. That if he gains some weight or is not at the gym each night, he's letting himself go. He's holding himself to those societal standards that say if you don't look a certain way, you have let yourself go. And that is heartbreaking. Because the men and women who feel this way don't have unconditional love for themselves. And they deserve to.

If you have told someone or have thought that someone (yourself included) has let themselves go and you are basing it on appearance, you need to know that YOU are enough. You are enough as you are right now, or with 200 extra pound on you. You are enough. You hold value, you have worth, and your mission here is important - regardless of if your body fits societal standards.

Of course, as a human, I still battle insecurities. However, I am not willing to cower to them. In case you missed the subtle hint in the photos above, I LOVE showing a little (okay maybe a lot) of skin. When I begin to feel I'm no longer attractive or my belly is too round, I throw on a crop top and hit the scene. I am not going to hide all of this beauty. Now I made a promise to keep it real and raw in these posts and I am going to do just that. Let me tell you - I struggled to write this post.

I knew I wanted my first blog post to be about body love, but as I write this I am currently the heaviest I have ever been and was feeling uninspired. Those insecurities I mentioned just above were beginning to sprout. And in typical Sarah fashion, I knocked them down with a photo shoot in a bra and lacy underwear for the world to see. Because who I am is beautiful. Every little bit of love handle included y'all. And that's the same for you. Man or woman, you are MORE than just your appearance. How you physically feel, where you're at mentally, how you are handling your responsibilities and showing up in your relationships, these are all important. When someone tells you you have let yourself go based off how you look, they haven't seen you as a person. They haven't seen your growth and they can't see how damn sexy your journey is and how damn sexy it looks on your body.

So let me say it again: how you look fluctuates with what you have to prioritize. And that is good. There is nothing sexier than your body reflecting the badass project you are working on. You can't tell me that those stretch marks, that cellulite, those extra 50 pounds isn't sexy; because you are hustling on another front and I SEE YOU. All of you. And DAMN YOU LOOK GOOD.

Until next time loves (when we're even sexier),

Sarah